Maybe writing you is better than talking, everytime I open my mouth I get in trouble.

First thing, I was purposely manipulated by Ron Smith. (not real name) I never saw it coming -- he started out by saying he was amazed we could even get along...we were so different. he asked about regrets, about what I want in life and what my future may look like without you. He mentioned he doesn't remember specifics, just the overall message...obviously a lie, ie the email to the pastor.

I can't even believe this church can be so backstabbing, I can never go back. I hear people ask Joe (not real name) about me because they know I see him on a regular basis. I just tell Joe, "Have them call me then."

One thing I'm working on is honesty. So, I tell the church what I don't believe, so...they make a public spectacle about my doubts...plus they talk about my affairs.

In keeping with honesty, I didn't want to break your heart. So I ordered the Tony Robbins course, maybe I could rekindle something. That all came to a crashing halt when Ron talked to you and you received the email.

I'm done defending what I've said in the past. I'm done talking-it only gets me in trouble. I'm tired of being accused of selfishness and emotionally manipulating you.

I have ZERO trust with you, and fighting at this juncture only delays the inevitable. If I don't love you like you deserve, we both may be better off.

I hope our encounters in the future are friendly. My family loves you, so I am happy you are going to my sister's wedding.

Best,

Husband

Thank you for loving me despite my unbelief, my divorce and my emotional roller coaster.

You know those "emos?" I understand why they have the stereotype of wanting to "just crawl in a hole and die." They think they will save others from pain. Don't worry--even though I understand them, doesn't mean I think that extreme. :)

You mentioned that it's easy to stop lying....well, I'm doing my best lately. Even if it means admitting I have unbelief or understand I cannot love my wife like she deserves. Admitting the truth, searching the truth can hurt, maybe that is why I'm experiencing all the pain right now.

I know things will be better, they already are. I want to grow as a person who is respectable and trustworthy.

About our little text message conversation. I'm concerned about how my relationship with our family will be affected since I've walked away. First, here is what I experienced as I remember my childhood: I would stay awake worrying about our extended family and their eternal soul.

"Grandma is not a strong enough believer."

"Grandpa was afraid to die, yes he he denied Jesus but we don't know his last thoughts."

I gave up belief in hell a while ago, because it was easy to dismiss, even through Scripture. I also couldn't function emotionally if I knew 95+% of the world was going to be tormented forever.

I know dad worries about that doctrine, and I'm worried he will worry about my soul and that get's me worrying. I also wanted to use every variation of "worry" I could think of. :)

Now, I know every good thing is selfish unless the glory is given to God. (according to Christianity) I'm worried this will effect our relationship. I remember believing our extended family and fried's accomplishments or good deeds were just their "selfishness" clothed in "good works." I'm afraid I'll be viewed the same.

I just wanted to be honest with you, and I'm the same brother you've always known. You are right, time to stop the lying cycle.

Love,

Brother

Dear Impersonal God which whom I've tried to personally connect with,

Please help me deal with the people whom you've chosen to connect. They think I cannot be happy otherwise. How can I convince the elect that one can be happy without connecting with you. Maybe because I never have, and any previous childhood relationship with you was purely in my head. As my pastor prays..."Help me in my unbelief." As I pray, help my family through this. I think my dad is concerned I have changed and knowing his views pertaining to his unbelieving family, I'm afraid I will never have the same relationship with him again.

Psalmist David said in Psalm 68:5-6;

“I feel like I’ve lost you. Was it a professor or some friends who filled your mind with these adulteries?” she asked. “What did I do wrong as a mother? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”

It’s true. Faith and I were always close when I was younger. All my friendsknew her so it just felt right, felt True. Faith, with her windy white dress, always looked so pretty. Sometimes I would spend my whole lunch period reading her love letters.

Then one day, just after a marriage class, some light caught Faith in her windy white dress, for a moment her hidden hips and heavy breasts illuminated like a holy ghost. I stared too long, and was never the same. Seeing the nakedness of one woman changed the way I saw all women.

My eyes were opened. All the other women—the ones said to be ugly and evil I soon discovered were beautiful—even kind, some of them. I met Ameena with her starry glances and smile like the moon, Bodhi with her spinning wheel, Nishtha with her four arms and lotus dreams, Cressida with her Gucci glasses and polyester pumps.

It was a supermarket of enticement, each woman’s arms open like the sea. Yet they quickly informed me, with sincere psalms and smiles, shady super- natural curves, and Pandora-box secrets beneath their clothes that I was doomed if I did not marry them.

To marry a girl because I loved her and we generally got along would be so nice. But Faith—dear love—along with all the other strange and beautiful women ordain marriage a grave choice beyond what feels True, even beyond love.