God,
Reveal yourself to me in an undeniable way.  I've been told I haven't been listening, but I'm here.  I do not believe anymore in the bible stories told to me as a child.  My faith in you and the stories contained in the bible have diminished.
If I am to turn back to you, I must see you, experience you in a new and refreshing way.

Your Human

Today, I talked to a family member.  She encouraged me to write a prayer every day this week.   I imagine they will be short given my unbelief.

A friend of mine posted a brilliant comment on Facebook and I thought I'd share it with the rest of the world.

For myself, I have never been very disciplined or good at personal prayer times. I 


tend to get distracted very quickly, or impatient, or I start conversations with 


myself and not God--the usual stuff. The best I can do is to rely on the good words 


of others, crafted through centuries of care and by people much wiser than I.  So, 


for example, I love the Anglican and Episcopalian Books of Common Prayer.  There 


are many prayers and many prayer services in those liturgies, but a good place to 


start would be with the most beautiful prayer service, Compline, which is supposed 


to be the last thing one does before going to bed. When I was in college I 


participated in a regular Sunday evening Compline service in someone's home--we


 lit candles, we had coffee together...it was lovely and encouraging and soul-


soothing. Here's a link to the service--you can pray it all by yourself, or with 


others: http://www.bcponline.org/ Click on the "Daily Office" option to the left, 


then the "Compline" link. The Daily Office is the series of prayers Anglicans pray 


throughout the day: Morning prayer, Noon prayer, Evening prayer, and Compline. 

Another book I've found immensely helpful is a little book by a Scottish theologian, 


John Baillie, called *A Diary of Private Prayer.* It's lovely and true and wise and 


gracious and thoughtful, and there's a morning prayer and an evening prayer.

Wonderful stuff. 

And, I guess my answer to your question would go something like this: I don't 


know what the hell to wish for. More than likely, I'd wish for stuff that was bad for


me. But prayer seems to change me. Praying these old prayers gives me words to


understand my own experience, my own spiritual life, my own dark, muddied, 


interior. And as I've prayed these prayers over many years--I have reams of the BCP 


memorized now--I find that I return to those words in moments of need, like 


remembering a hymn or a poem you memorized when you were a kid. Prayer can


 go deep in the soul in the way that wishes--however intensely we wish them--


don't seem to go. 

Hmm, anything else? Oh yes, the best prayer I ever knew was my theater professor


 in college. He taught me two things: one, sometimes the best prayer, the only


 prayer to pray is "Jesus, I feel like shit." True, that. And two: the most ancient 


prayer we know, a prayer prayed by all Christians at all times and in all places is


 this, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." 'Bout sums it up, I 


think. I have been known to pray that about a hundred times a day when the going


is very rough. 

Blessings to you.

      This was an unescapable fact of life for me.  God is so real, and in order to honor him with my heart, soul, body and mind I must guard my thoughts and actions.  In reality most Christians do not take this scenario to its logical, laughable conclusion.  For example, where if we really believed God watched us every hour of every day, knowing every thought, we'd act in a totally different manner...in fact live in a "scared shitless" state.  Now Christians talk about "freedom in Christ."  Yes, I've looked deep into at this and read John Eldridge's mystic way to look at God.  Many believers allegorize the stories within scripture, make it their own narrative.  For me, I'm waiting for that undeniable bit of evidence to hit me in face.  Until then I might as well believe in the flying spaghetti monster.
      So, in all the years of my growing up, I believed in God with all my heart, soul, body and mind.  I struggled when I lusted, when I heard someone say the Lord's name in vain, when someone swore, when someone taught evolution and on and on and on.  Being riddled with guilt in conjunction with being hyper-sensitive led me to be a very reserved "emo" child.  If a girl showed interest in me, I had "to much homework."  If I was invited to a party, "I'd have to play my cello."  Loser.  That's what I'd describe myself.
    Now we jump ahead to college.  My mission: find my own faith.  I left out one important variable: The actual existence of God.  So instead I visited 4 different campus ministries, went to 20 different churches...and left disillusioned.  This left me 2 options, become an unbeliever or a cynical Calvinist.  I chose the latter.  Someone has to be right, and those damn atheists are just in denial.  I didn't experience the Holy Spirit like so many of my Christian brothers and sisters, so now it's about doctrine.  The I'm right, everyone else is wrong mentality set in.  However, back to my hyper-sensitivity -- I slowly gave up my belief in Hell.  I couldn't function, believing something so real...so permanent.  So using conditionalist and universalist doctrine...I came to a peace in my own belief.
   Now racing ahead to 7 years after college, and at the end of my marriage, I've abandoned any belief in a personal god, and am left with an "unbelief."  Somehow, that is an incredible honest place to be...where I can stop pretending.  Let the journey continue....

Same chords over and over.  As a cellist maybe you could improvise through these after the intro and before the the band ramps it up at the end. (depending on your cover band)
Cm - Fm/Ab - Eb - Bb/D

Dear wife,