Trail Blazer Ministries
Base Camp for Life: A Spiritual Journey...

A De-Conversion story. (the emotional side)

4:22 PM
You ever feel like you cannot be yourself? Like God is watching you?

      This was an unescapable fact of life for me.  God is so real, and in order to honor him with my heart, soul, body and mind I must guard my thoughts and actions.  In reality most Christians do not take this scenario to its logical, laughable conclusion.  For example, where if we really believed God watched us every hour of every day, knowing every thought, we'd act in a totally different manner...in fact live in a "scared shitless" state.  Now Christians talk about "freedom in Christ."  Yes, I've looked deep into at this and read John Eldridge's mystic way to look at God.  Many believers allegorize the stories within scripture, make it their own narrative.  For me, I'm waiting for that undeniable bit of evidence to hit me in face.  Until then I might as well believe in the flying spaghetti monster.
      So, in all the years of my growing up, I believed in God with all my heart, soul, body and mind.  I struggled when I lusted, when I heard someone say the Lord's name in vain, when someone swore, when someone taught evolution and on and on and on.  Being riddled with guilt in conjunction with being hyper-sensitive led me to be a very reserved "emo" child.  If a girl showed interest in me, I had "to much homework."  If I was invited to a party, "I'd have to play my cello."  Loser.  That's what I'd describe myself.
    Now we jump ahead to college.  My mission: find my own faith.  I left out one important variable: The actual existence of God.  So instead I visited 4 different campus ministries, went to 20 different churches...and left disillusioned.  This left me 2 options, become an unbeliever or a cynical Calvinist.  I chose the latter.  Someone has to be right, and those damn atheists are just in denial.  I didn't experience the Holy Spirit like so many of my Christian brothers and sisters, so now it's about doctrine.  The I'm right, everyone else is wrong mentality set in.  However, back to my hyper-sensitivity -- I slowly gave up my belief in Hell.  I couldn't function, believing something so real...so permanent.  So using conditionalist and universalist doctrine...I came to a peace in my own belief.
   Now racing ahead to 7 years after college, and at the end of my marriage, I've abandoned any belief in a personal god, and am left with an "unbelief."  Somehow, that is an incredible honest place to be...where I can stop pretending.  Let the journey continue....
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