This was an unescapable fact of life for me.  God is so real, and in order to honor him with my heart, soul, body and mind I must guard my thoughts and actions.  In reality most Christians do not take this scenario to its logical, laughable conclusion.  For example, where if we really believed God watched us every hour of every day, knowing every thought, we'd act in a totally different manner...in fact live in a "scared shitless" state.  Now Christians talk about "freedom in Christ."  Yes, I've looked deep into at this and read John Eldridge's mystic way to look at God.  Many believers allegorize the stories within scripture, make it their own narrative.  For me, I'm waiting for that undeniable bit of evidence to hit me in face.  Until then I might as well believe in the flying spaghetti monster.
      So, in all the years of my growing up, I believed in God with all my heart, soul, body and mind.  I struggled when I lusted, when I heard someone say the Lord's name in vain, when someone swore, when someone taught evolution and on and on and on.  Being riddled with guilt in conjunction with being hyper-sensitive led me to be a very reserved "emo" child.  If a girl showed interest in me, I had "to much homework."  If I was invited to a party, "I'd have to play my cello."  Loser.  That's what I'd describe myself.
    Now we jump ahead to college.  My mission: find my own faith.  I left out one important variable: The actual existence of God.  So instead I visited 4 different campus ministries, went to 20 different churches...and left disillusioned.  This left me 2 options, become an unbeliever or a cynical Calvinist.  I chose the latter.  Someone has to be right, and those damn atheists are just in denial.  I didn't experience the Holy Spirit like so many of my Christian brothers and sisters, so now it's about doctrine.  The I'm right, everyone else is wrong mentality set in.  However, back to my hyper-sensitivity -- I slowly gave up my belief in Hell.  I couldn't function, believing something so real...so permanent.  So using conditionalist and universalist doctrine...I came to a peace in my own belief.
   Now racing ahead to 7 years after college, and at the end of my marriage, I've abandoned any belief in a personal god, and am left with an "unbelief."  Somehow, that is an incredible honest place to be...where I can stop pretending.  Let the journey continue....

Same chords over and over.  As a cellist maybe you could improvise through these after the intro and before the the band ramps it up at the end. (depending on your cover band)
Cm - Fm/Ab - Eb - Bb/D

Dear wife,

Dear Sister,

this is God, whose dwelling is holy.6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Here you guys go!!!

-Jesse

I remember the way you walk

The way you smile

Your gentle kiss

Your smell

Now we are at the end

I look back and smile

I remember every memory

Pure pleasure

You have an amazing heart

And I hope you bless others

Keep moving forward

Remember His enduring love

I have failed

I am sorry

Please Forgive me

by Nathan Williams

My parents said, “Be careful who you marry.” Then I came home from school broken up with Faith and my mom cried, “We wasted our money! Why did we even bother getting you a Christian education?”

We were betrothed from birth, Faith and I. That is the way of it for most people, born into a sacred tradition, a holy marriage. I guess my mother never thought about her own engagement like I did.

I can’t, mom, at least not now. Don’t you see that if I was born in India or Pakistan I would be betrothed to another? Faith always told me I was blessed to have her— I would be eternally damned without her. You and dad said the same. But then I discovered other girls saying similar things. Don’t you see the dilemma?

Where are you God

I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.
-Socrates

I found this article very good, speaks to me in a way I haven't heard before.

Counting Blue Cars

I haven't seen the cello sheet music online, but the whole song is only 4 chords same order/tempo all the way through. D-F#m-Bm-G. The cellist plays an arpeggiated pattern through these chords. (check out the sheet music) Sometimes he varies the pattern some; I could explain the subtleties in more detail; but the audience will not know the difference if you are planning on incorporating the cello in the "Secrets" cover.
For the sheet music to Apologize click here.

My first username was @jesseahmann. I abandoned that due that nobody cared my name is Jesse Ahmann. Why would they? To them, I'm some random twitter user trying to sell stuff. I didn't add people, or know who to add, it was all overwhelming. Some random people started following me, then I felt honored! I connected twitter to my facebook account and I was all set. However, with twitter I wanted to promote my MLM, so I found myself deleting my FB posts so I wouldn't spam my friends. Big mistake. With twitter, no one likes spam or will click through. You will lose credibility. I changed my account to @silver__collect. This was okay, I connected with a few like minded precious metals collectors. Yet, I didn't engage very well...I just pointed them to a blog of mine on silver investing. Lame. I followed as many people as I could using a program call twitter karma to unfollow those who didn't follow back. I found this to be a good way to build followers. I still hadn't figured out the "mention" feature, and that was a travesty. With following so many people how am I going to keep track of what they are saying? Finally the new twitter came out! I found the platform to be much easier to make lists (this is key) check my mentions and see my main timeline. I changed my twitter handle to @improvcellist. This is who I am. I could finally be who I am. My followers responded well, and watched my improv videos. I talk about politics, theology and music. Since then, everyone who responds to me I put in a list. This way I keep track of those who actually care to converse on twitter and don't just spam. Hope this helps!

Did I just commit a logical fallicy?

My dad just said to my sister “why would you want to spend eternity with non-christians.” It seems I can get along with non-christians better than christians. “Well maybe family”...now that shows the tragic part of Christianity, they have a heart for their family; but to spend all of eternity with them? I'd rather spend eternity with many of my “unbelieving” friends just as much.

Everyone, whether Christian or non-christian...is equally deserving of “eternal” life.

I just don't fit in anymore.

I'm just a married guy posing a question. I've heard many opinions from my guy friends, but I'd like to hear what ladies have to say. Do you enjoy sex more than the man, less? Does only good conversation turn you on, or are there other factors?

As my sister is going through brain cancer, it's hard to see "Grace." I believe grace is a state of mind, a place of rest, not just some future "Blessed Hope." Jesus came to offer us a fuller life, a life abundant. Even when all is dark around us, the glimmer of God's grace can be seen. I can express myself better through music than words. Here is what I mean.