Trail Blazer Ministries
Base Camp for Life: A Spiritual Journey...

No Memory is Wasted

8:22 AM

-Jesse


I remember the way you walk

The way you smile

Your gentle kiss

Your smell


Now we are at the end

I look back and smile

I remember every memory

Pure pleasure


You have an amazing heart

And I hope you bless others

Keep moving forward

Remember His enduring love


I have failed

I am sorry

Please Forgive me


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Arms Open Like The Sea

6:11 AM


by Nathan Williams


My parents said, “Be careful who you marry.” Then I came home from school broken up with Faith and my mom cried, “We wasted our money! Why did we even bother getting you a Christian education?”

We were betrothed from birth, Faith and I. That is the way of it for most people, born into a sacred tradition, a holy marriage. I guess my mother never thought about her own engagement like I did.

I can’t, mom, at least not now. Don’t you see that if I was born in India or Pakistan I would be betrothed to another? Faith always told me I was blessed to have her— I would be eternally damned without her. You and dad said the same. But then I discovered other girls saying similar things. Don’t you see the dilemma?

“I feel like I’ve lost you. Was it a professor or some friends who filled your mind with these adulteries?” she asked. “What did I do wrong as a mother? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”

It’s true. Faith and I were always close when I was younger. All my friendsknew her so it just felt right, felt True. Faith, with her windy white dress, always looked so pretty. Sometimes I would spend my whole lunch period reading her love letters.

Then one day, just after a marriage class, some light caught Faith in her windy white dress, for a moment her hidden hips and heavy breasts illuminated like a holy ghost. I stared too long, and was never the same. Seeing the nakedness of one woman changed the way I saw all women.

My eyes were opened. All the other women—the ones said to be ugly and evil I soon discovered were beautiful—even kind, some of them. I met Ameena with her starry glances and smile like the moon, Bodhi with her spinning wheel, Nishtha with her four arms and lotus dreams, Cressida with her Gucci glasses and polyester pumps.

It was a supermarket of enticement, each woman’s arms open like the sea. Yet they quickly informed me, with sincere psalms and smiles, shady super- natural curves, and Pandora-box secrets beneath their clothes that I was doomed if I did not marry them.

To marry a girl because I loved her and we generally got along would be so nice. But Faith—dear love—along with all the other strange and beautiful women ordain marriage a grave choice beyond what feels True, even beyond love.


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Where are you God?

9:42 PM
Where are you God
I see you in nature
but fuck it, how do I really know
We are but molecules
We are just star stuff
I can reason and think
but I don't understand
This alone cannot imply faith
I remember the times where I cried out to God.
I felt comfort after...
There were times I prayed
he answered...in the positive
I read apologetic books
They affirmed my worldview
Then came post-modernism
Empiricism
utilitarianism, idealism
and every other philosophy under the sun
All is forgotten...
I read opposing views
I argued finer theological points
all-meaningless
Now I've lost the faith of my childhood...
God I cry out...how does my soul worship you?
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A Michelangelo in Embryo

9:06 AM

I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.
-Socrates

There is a scenario in Socrates life that speaks directly to me. What if....

Xantippe and Socrates had settled down and lived in a cottage with a vine growing over the portico, and two rows of hollyhocks leading from the front gate to the door; a pathway of coal-ashes lined off with broken crockery, and inside the house all sweet, clean and tidy; Socrates earning six drachmas a day carving marble, with double pay for overtime, and he handing the pay-envelope over to her each Saturday night, keeping out just enough for tobacco, and she putting a tidy sum in the Ægean Savings-Bank every month—why, what then?

Well, that would have been an end of Socrates. [1]


I'm not claiming to be the next Socrates or Michelangelo by any stretch of the imagination. But I lay down at night and full symphonies nurse me to sleep, (all original) I paint pictures with my cello as I navigate through chord progressions, it's within me. My fear in marriage is that I am "tamed." I am not longer a great artist in embryo, but a respectable man and future father.

You see, I just resigned my membership at my current church. I have to take a break. I can no longer feel right about taking communion, proclaiming vows of prayer, reciting creeds and confessions...it all feels boxed in. I will miss playing music in the church, I will miss the community; but will not miss the "closed hand" issues we all recite.

My wife and I just met our pastor for counseling, I respect him and his way of handling people. The only bone I had to pick with him was a certain statement. "Would you give up cello playing for your wife?" Okay...hold on!! Take a paintbrush away from the painter, a pen away from the poet, an instrument away from the musician and it's akin to taking the voice away from an effective communicator, the legs from an athlete, or the sense of taste and smell from a cook. I play music for a living, I know I'm not world-class; but I have aspirations. If you rip out my dreams, I am just a dried, shriveled-up shell of what I am or hope to become.

Success Magazine put out a great article. [2]
In the excerpt below, the author lists 10 question that must be answered yes too.

Are You Ready to Put Your Dream to the Test?
OK, you may be saying to yourself, I’ve got a dream. I think it’s worth pursuing. Now what? How can I know that my odds are good for achieving it? That brings us to these questions:

  1. The Ownership Question: Is my dream really my dream?
  2. The Clarity Question: Do I clearly see my dream?
  3. The Reality Question: Am I depending on factors within my control to achieve my dream?
  4. The Passion Question: Does my dream compel me to follow it?
  5. The Pathway Question: Do I have a strategy to reach my dream?
  6. The People Question: Have I included the people I need to realize my dream?
  7. The Cost Question: Am I willing to pay the price for my dream?
  8. The Tenacity Question: Am I moving closer to my dream?
  9. The Fulfillment Question: Does working toward my dream bring satisfaction?
  10. The Significance Question: Does my dream benefit others?
This is the struggle for an artist: we may hurt people along the way, the ones close to us. We pay the price to achieve our goals and are willing to fail.

Now, this is where I need help. I told someone recently I am a "ship tossed in the ocean." I love my wife dearly, and she admitted to me after the counseling session she is willing to explore other philosophies, change aspects of her life so we can find this "emotional connection" that has long been absent. I appreciate that, and we our best friends; I find her easy to talk to, great to do activities with, but often I find music to be my way of communication feelings of love, joy and internal struggle. In fact, I'm a terrible communicator through the medium of speech; if I could just play a musical soundtrack of my day I'd be much happier. My wife could ask, "how was your day," and I could sit down and play some rhythmic tracks exploring my underlying emotions then live-loop some melodic motifs describing conversations I had during the day then finally adding some harmony to fill in some of the complexity I experienced. Maybe I should do that one day and put it on my youtube channel. Now I have to meet my pastor later this week and "decide" to give my wife 100% or...I should divorce. I could write another post on how divorce effects the community in the negative and how I may end up. Like Socrates, I married for "discipline." It's so I could control my sex drive, it's so I could "settle down" and create art within that marriage, it's because I love her...


Footnotes:
1. "Little Journeys to the Homes of Great Philosophers" by Elbert Hubbard

2. "What is your Dream" by John C. Maxwell - Success Magazine


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Counting Blue Cars

9:30 AM
I found this article very good, speaks to me in a way I haven't heard before.

Counting Blue Cars
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One Republic Secrets cello sheet music

10:54 PM
I haven't seen the cello sheet music online, but the whole song is only 4 chords same order/tempo all the way through. D-F#m-Bm-G. The cellist plays an arpeggiated pattern through these chords. (check out the sheet music) Sometimes he varies the pattern some; I could explain the subtleties in more detail; but the audience will not know the difference if you are planning on incorporating the cello in the "Secrets" cover.
For the sheet music to Apologize click here.




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How to use Twitter.

10:31 PM
My first username was @jesseahmann. I abandoned that due that nobody cared my name is Jesse Ahmann. Why would they? To them, I'm some random twitter user trying to sell stuff. I didn't add people, or know who to add, it was all overwhelming. Some random people started following me, then I felt honored! I connected twitter to my facebook account and I was all set. However, with twitter I wanted to promote my MLM, so I found myself deleting my FB posts so I wouldn't spam my friends. Big mistake. With twitter, no one likes spam or will click through. You will lose credibility. I changed my account to @silver__collect. This was okay, I connected with a few like minded precious metals collectors. Yet, I didn't engage very well...I just pointed them to a blog of mine on silver investing. Lame. I followed as many people as I could using a program call twitter karma to unfollow those who didn't follow back. I found this to be a good way to build followers. I still hadn't figured out the "mention" feature, and that was a travesty. With following so many people how am I going to keep track of what they are saying? Finally the new twitter came out! I found the platform to be much easier to make lists (this is key) check my mentions and see my main timeline. I changed my twitter handle to @improvcellist. This is who I am. I could finally be who I am. My followers responded well, and watched my improv videos. I talk about politics, theology and music. Since then, everyone who responds to me I put in a list. This way I keep track of those who actually care to converse on twitter and don't just spam. Hope this helps!
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