Trail Blazer Ministries
Base Camp for Life: A Spiritual Journey...

Men...and being attracted to other women after marraige.

My wife asks me a lot of questions. Am I selfish because don't want to rid myself of being attracted to different women. I know this is impossible, and my wife realizes this; but she wants me to desire to never be attracted to any woman but her. What can I say to this?

I've tried to answer this many ways, truth is men love to see attractive women. If I keep looking at them, develop lustful feeling or imagine how I can approach them; that is wrong.
Let me know what you think.

"Am I selfish because don't want to rid myself of being attracted to different women."

Guess it depends on why you do it. It would be good for you to know why you do it.

What kind of looking are you talking about? Glancing at an attractive women on the street or ogling porn on the internet?

good question Bob:

I've been clear to my that it's wrong to lust, to develop scenarios in my head. I've told her my main focus should always to her. The disagreement is, "She wants me to desire to only think she is attractive." Intellectually, I can't. I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this. Am I not being humble enough?

There is a difference between seeing another woman as pretty or attractive, and another to have desire for that woman if she is not your wife. Women do not understand that for a healthy male to be attracted to his wife, he needs to also see beauty in other things...including other women. In a sense I see a wife who has this idea as being rather insecure. Why? Is the husband spending too much time with another attractive woman?

You see, one can view a woman as attractive... If had a sister who was attractive,I would tell her so, but in no way desire her as I do my wife.

The balance is giving loving assurance that our wives are the woman we love and desire. In that, our wives should feel secure around other woman she deems more attractive than she is.

"Dp not associate with a dancing-girl, Lest you be caught in her schemes. Do not gaze at a virgin, lest you stumble and pay damages for her, Do not give your soul to prostitutes, Lest you destroy your inheritance. Do not look around in the streets of a city, and donot wander about in its deserted sections. Turn your eye away from a woman with a shapley figure, And do not gaze at beauty belonging to another. Many have been led astry by the beauty of a woman, And erotic love is like a burning fire. Never dine with another man's wife, And do not share in parties with her over wine, Lest your soul turn aside to her, and you slip and with your spirit fall into destruction. (Wisdom of Sirach 9:1-9)

These verses are how to keep from looking at a woman and lusting in your heart. If we do that we have committed adultry in our heart already. If you commit adultry in your heart you will actually commit adultry (if given the opportunity). Unfortunately I learned this hard lesson from experience. I wish I had at least read this passage, but the Jews took it out of the Scriptures after 70 a.d. (I will write an article on that in the future).

I wrote a autobiography to find out why and how I went so far off track. It was very illuminating to me to see how slowly my road to adultry came about. I was married 17 years, but even though I thought I could handle not having sex with my wife more than 12 times in that 17 years I was wrong. I was not strong enough, even though I was for the many years, but actually I committed adultry in my heart all the time. I should have insisted on marital counseling after our honeymoon, but she wouldn't and so I gave up. I thought I must be unattractive, until I met females that thought I was - then the thoughts of my heart and mind took jumped at the opportunities.

Jesse, I still have trouble with my eyes, heart & mind. So, I understand your problem and am praying for you (yes, I changed my mind about prayer). I've complained to God - "God, why do you make women so darn beautiful and alluring to me?" The problem is not God's creation - it's me. It is my "thorn in the flesh."

Just be honest with your wife and love her in Christ.

My sister is very attractive...

But, I'm not talking about that.

Iggy, you said:
Women do not understand that for a healthy male to be attracted to his wife, he needs to also see beauty in other things...including other women. In a sense I see a wife who has this idea as being rather insecure. Why? Is the husband spending too much time with another attractive woman?

You made a really good point there, and that's the message I'm trying to relay to my wife. In September I wasn't faithful, it wasn't a full-blown sexual affair, but an emotional one for a weekend in California. I've been trying hard to restore my marriage since, I've had no contact with this woman since. We've been married 5+ years, but we have always had radically different views.

David, the Wisdom of Sirach is a great book, I should read it in entirety someday. Being pursued by another woman is attractive, and we can easily be ensnared. I understand your frustration.
Did I read that comment right, you had sex 12x in 17 years????

This is a great question. I always wondered about the definition of "lust". I think it's virtually impossible for a normal healthy male to not be attracted to women other than his wife. If there's a way to turn that off and keep the passion for your wife, I haven't found it.

I think the line between harmless, normal attraction and lust is one that is not so easy to define. I don't think a sexual fantasy isnecessarily lust. I think when it gets to the point where you are planning on how to get with another woman or how to spend time with her to fulfill that sexual desire it has crossed the line.

I don't know that it's beneficial to want to want to think only your wife is attractive. What good would that do if it's not possible?

I know my wife finds other men physically attractive and that's OK. One of the men she finds most attractive is Denzel Washington and she tells me that I look like him. So, that's a good thing. My wife knows that I find other women physically attractive. But, I don't spend a lot of time talking to her about how attracted I am to other women.

I think it's important to build a fence around giving yourself opportunities for infidelity. It's important for us men to understand our nature, which I believe is to cheat. I don't spend time alone with attractive women. If a woman other than my wife gives me an indication she is interested in me, I move away from that situation. But, I'm not going to deny that my nature is to be attracted to other women. And, I'm not going to feel guilt when I enjoy looking at a beautiful woman.

You might find this article to be helpful in recovering from an emotional affair. I do think that it would be helpful for you to get an understanding of "why" you had the emotional affair.

Yes, Jesse 12 times in 17 years. First 2 nights of honeymoon she would not have sex. Called her mother and wanted them to come get her. I was understanding and did not even touch her. Something was deeply wrong with her and I should have turned around and took her home. To this day I don't know what was wrong with her. She never undressed in front of me - never. She came to bed at 2 a.m. or longer and stayed out with her girlfriends almost every night. It wasn't that I scared her as those first 2 nights she did not even see me naked. It was wierd and totally devastating to me.

A few years after we were married an old girlfriend of mine wanted to get back with me She moved from Indiana to Florida and I had to work with her every day as my dad got her a job working for the company we represented in real estate development. I was in love with her, but thought I was such a strong Christian when I was able to resist her. She moved back to Indiana after a couple years. I never fell at that time.

After 10 years of marriage my wife traveled showing show dogs from March to November and we hardly saw each other. From December through March I traveled racing sled dogs, without her. After 12 years of marriage a young girl started training the dogs with me and eventually traveled with me all over racing the dogs. She was engaged to a jerk of a guy. We fell in love with each other after a couple years and I ended up committing adultry with her. I actually no longer had felt married. No excuse though. Age difference was too great and everybody was against us. Eventually she got married to a better guy than she had been engaged to. Hold on to your hat - I performed her marriage.

There is a lot more, but that gives you an idea how I fell. I had also stopped going to Church. My friend Pascal saw all this coming and was a true friend and concerned as a friend and a Christian. I had stopped study of the Bible and prayer. I violated all the advice in the verses I quoted from Wisdom of Sirach.

I hope you never fall as far as I did. I thank God for his love and forgiveness.

David, thank you for your very honest comment. You're a great friend, and though I've heard some of what you said before...most of it was new. Truthfully, you really demonstrated a great deal of sexual restraint with both your wife at the time and the other women.
You know at our Trail Blazer study we love you and value you greatly.

Your right, it's hard to define lust. You said:
I don't think a sexual fantasy is necessarily lust.
That's a fine line, didn't Jesus mention in Matthew 5:27-28
"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
I agree with you that it's impossible to turn off my passion for attractive women and only keep the passion for her and her only. I haven't found a sensitive way to explain that I can't even "desire to not want to be attracted to other females."
Thanks for showing up Brian, I love your blog,


In the passage where we're told what Jesus said about equating lust with adultery, He did not define lust. If lust is any sexual though about a woman other than our wives, and lust=adultery what I've done would make Tiger Woods look like a saint.

To me, sin is something that causes damage to myself or to other human beings. The guilt that one could heap on oneself trying to control sexual thoughts could be devastating and has been for some men who have taken an extreme view of this teaching.

I think the line is something every man has to define for himself. Do what causes you (and others) the least harm would be my advice. (hopefully I'm not contradicting Jesus).


Maybe lust is simply involving lustful thoughts with sexual activity?

A friend of mine just recently refered this book to me:
I'm going to read it first, then have my wife read it.

BTW we've been doing better, I told her I want to look at women through the eyes of Jesus. I want love her and cherish her as Christ loves the church. Makes sense to me.

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